Hello 2020, hello new adventures, hello new opportunities, hello failure…?

This is the year. The year where everything is going to fall into place, where I am going to work harder than I ever have before to live the life I’ve been dreaming of.

Or so I thought.

I know it’s still early in the year, we’re only in the second month, but I already feel like I’m failing…

This is the first time I’ve ever written a post like this on the blog.

It may or it may not be the last…

But it’s been on my heart for a while now and I have these words that I need to get out of my system.

Last year was pretty epic, travel wise. I visited so many new places I’d only dreamed of visiting.

***

Towards the end of the year, I had made the decision to move to France to live with my boyfriend. We were going to visit the Christmas markets, something I’d been dying to do for a very long time.

Only when the time came creeping up, so did the doubt and the fear. After having a few conversations about housing and visas and all the “stuff” with him, I kind of changed my mind.

That’s actually the nice way of putting it, I chickened out.

I already had a good-paying job, a fully furnished apartment, and let’s be honest, the comfort of the familiar.

I thought I’d been ready to give that up, but it turned out not so much.

We decided that since Yann was in between jobs, he would instead come and live with me in Toronto for the year. Then together, we would move back to France the following year.

**

I feel like I’m blessed and yet cursed with all these ideas plaguing my mind.

I have so many dreams and goals for myself and I’ve been trying to figure out how to attain them. Believe me, I know these things take time and crazy amounts of effort and by no means am I giving up, but I just feel like I am drowning.

My to-do list seems to be a mile long and while I’ve tried setting schedules to tackle these tasks one at a time, I still find myself ALL over the place jumping from one thing to the next.

Obviously, in doing this, absolutely nothing is getting accomplished and it’s beyond frustrating.

I know exactly (more or less) what needs to be done and yet, I’m still having the hardest time simply doing it.

I’ve even written a blog post on productivity and on ways to stay focused, and I believe wholeheartedly in what I wrote yet I can’t follow my own simple instructions.

I’ve always said that I’m great at giving advice.

Seriously the advice I give to other people is pure gold, yet I can never take it myself!

I sometimes feel super hypocritical because of this and I very much dislike hypocrites.

So why is this so hard?!

I’m overwhelmed.

*

I discovered podcasts towards the end of last year and have literally been binging on them, soaking in all the knowledge and expertise of business gurus and people who have “made it”.

In listening to them daily, I feel like I have a good grasp on what I need to do. On the steps that need to be taken to start making changes and building up my own business.

So why am I having such a hard time doing it.

Again, I’m overwhelmed.

*

But I don’t need to be. I’m putting all this pressure on myself to complete all these different things by a certain time and so when I don’t, I feel like I’ve failed.

And feeling like a failure makes me not want to continue because I feel like I’ve already let myself down, so why continue to try.

Then I remind myself that the thought of living an ordinary life, stuck in a job that is completely unfulfilling, that I am sometimes miserable at, is not where I want to be.

It’s not the life I want.

God did not give me the talents, the ideas, this brain for no reason.

He didn’t bless me with these gifts to go unused and forgotten, so I could work a meaningless job just to get by.

There is such a great need in me to use my creativity, my love for travel and for sharing and to build my own business out of it.

Somehow.

***

I’ve wanted to work for myself for as long as I can remember.

Spending money on kits when I was young so that I could work from home, on my own time, and not under the “command” of others.

I know the life that I want to have, and I know that it is absolutely possible to achieve it.

Others have done it before me, time and time again, and so I know without a doubt that it can happen for me too.

I am the one standing in front of myself.

Blocking the blessings that are meant for me.

I just need to apply myself, take this pressure I’ve put on myself to succeed NOW and the time constraints off and just do the work.

Little by little.

One day at a time.

I need to stay consistent and really just believe in myself.

I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

Stop comparing myself and watching so closely to what other people are doing.

Their success doesn’t have any bearing on my success.

Just because it happened fast for them doesn’t mean it will happen fast for me, and I need to believe that.

I do believe that.

In my heart.

I just need to transfer it over and instill it in my head now.

Keep my head down and just do the damn work.